Psychedelic Slippers

Enlightened

2012-01-30T00:51:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Confounded IV:The Paradox

2012-01-28T19:33:00.000+05:30

As a student with some of the best grades in class, I grew up with a lot of dreams. I remember dad always pushing me to dream bigger. I’m sure am not the only one who grew up this way. Since school we are always pushed to perform better (girls, boys alike). Through high-school, college, parents fuss over grades (as we gradually begin to let go of them). Not only academics, personality development is also emphasized upon, you are encouraged to be a part of myriad extra-curricular activities. The general idea is to make you not just academically brilliant, but smart, outspoken and in general an overall genial being.

What do you want to be? We hear this question over and over. Then we are bombarded with the big word “career”, and we knock doors in search of career guidance.After all this, when we have graduated and settled with our job we are said to have begun our career, or laid the foundation stone for the rest of our life (in most cases, besides those who plunge back into academics for further studies.)

So you have this overall upbringing, and now you are well settled with a decent job. Then the big search begins, and there is an overall hullabaloo. Guy over guy rejects you. Sometimes the reason is you are too brilliant, sometimes too smart, a little too outspoken, sometimes a “good job”, may be you are too career-oriented, a big-city girl, too independent. All the things that you once thought were your positives are the very reasons why you are rejected. And when you ask why are they negatives, you get some weird logics, all that often end up with “it’s in our genes”.

What’s wrong if i am brilliant, smart?
-- well it may hurt my ego some day. I cant have my wife outwitting or outsmarting me.
What if I am outspoken?
-- In our society, men better do most of the talking, I don’t want to appear as a henpecked husband.

Isn’t it possible that may be you are an introvert and I am an extrovert?
-- (pause...) people wont take it that way.

I have a decent job out here. Well I earn XYZ per month. I may even be up for a promotion next month.
-- I think we could manage fine in my salary. You would then be able to take good care of the home (and me). I wouldn’t want to carry salads in my lunchbox. Will you quit this job after we get married?

Will You? I have a package that earns better than you, I have considerable savings,we could rent up a house here. I could work up something in my company so you could join us. Are you willing to quit your job?
-- It would hurt my ego to have a wife that earns more than me. I would develop an inferiority complex. Also it wouldn’t appear too good, me shifting for you. You sound too career-oriented, ambitious.

Is that a bad thing?-
-- Blank
Do you drink?
-- Yes occasionally. Do you?
Yes occasionally. I love partying too.
--It was nice meeting you.
______
I believed marriage was where two people shared their lives, not where one drags the other into his own. But in a society that lives on dual standards, this is the last thing to hope for. Is it right to abandon your dreams all of a sudden? Is it right to force someone to abandon his/her dreams, ambitions? You cant raise someone by one values and then suddenly force him/her to accept another set. Another set that often stands upfront against everything that you believed. It is true that even if two people are given equal opportunity and equal conditioning, they may turn out to be two very different people, but I had not fathomed that they would also develop two drastically different social codes.

It’s okay to have an ambitious daughter, then why not a daughter in law? If you raised your son and daughter as equals, how did the guy still turn into an egoist male chauvinist? Why should the man always do all the talking? Cant a woman do it, if she is more apt for the same? Why should she always be the wife? Cant you be a husband too? Why should the woman uphold the man’s belief of superiority, let him live in his world of dreams as he shatters through hers? Why should an independent woman suddenly guise herself as a dependent to suit the man? Why do even the darkest of men want the fairest of women? Why is it okay for a man to have been dating women but not vice versa? Why is it always that you’ll delve into the woman's character and not into the man’s ?

I often here answers like “that’s how our society is”. But society is not some bigger, exclusive entity, it is many small entities like us put together. Change begins at home. We have to change first, ourselves, our thoughts. There are probably more dogs than bitches out there, we just don’t make dog sound as bad as bitch. Independent women are not home-breakers. But it would be wrong to expect someone to live in subjugation. A man who helps his wife around the house, is not a hen-pecked husband, but may be he’s a tad bit more understanding and less egoist than you are.

While women are empowered, men need to be tempered to handle the power. Just as women are made aware that they are equals, men too, should be made aware that they are equals.

Think and Share (not necessarily the blog (;)), but the thoughts, even if they may sound feminist at places)

Tiranga

2012-01-26T14:55:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Vibrance

2012-01-26T12:05:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Red-head

2012-01-26T12:03:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Chale Chalo, Badhe Chalo

2012-01-26T12:00:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Confounded III: It's in our genes

2012-01-23T22:28:00.003+05:30

"It's in my genes!!!"

How often have we used this as an excuse, especially when wedon’t want to change something, (be stubborn). It’s an easy way out. Genes arewhat you are made up of at a micro-micro level and since that’s what you areborn with, there’s no way to change it. We use this as an excuse for overweight(underweight), for bad hair, even our moodswings and tempers. But do our genesdetermine our behavior? We learn, we evolve, when it comes to behaviour, it’snot cause it is somewhere in our genetic makeup but its cause of the way wehave grown up to be. There is no gene for chauvinism, neither for ego-centrism,envy, and temper. How we react, respond or behave can be attributed first toour maturity at that point of time, and secondly our past experience. Just likewe aren’t born with pre-defined destinies, we aren’t born with pre-defined behavior.A child that grows up seeing quibbles and fights is likely to be short temperedjust as a child that grows up in a peaceful atmosphere is more likely to have acooler temperament.

So when we say we are a male-dominated society, its notcause its in our genes, but its cos we have built that way. A child learns whatit sees. Couple this with the “my dad, my hero” upbringing. So when a boy seessubjugation of other women by men from his house (his father, brother others inthat order) he tends to believe that this is the way it is meant to be. When agirl sees the same, she wonders why. As I said before with education comesawareness, despite of it, the boy believes that subjugation is a commonplacething, and by virtue of it being so commonplace it is perfectly normal. Thegirl on the other hand learns to question it.

As a part of the bourgeoisie in the 90s both working parentswas a fairly common thing. The attitude towards a girl child had begun tochange especially after they proved their worth in being meal-earners. Thegirls were brought up with as much praise and pamper as a boy. Education wasobvious. The 90s saw the rise of women in the working class. These women notonly opened a new road, but gave dreams and hopes to a whole new generation of women.This new generation was nurtured to be not just working women, but career womenas well.

But a woman still remained the home-maker, the one who caredand cherished, the one who wove the straws together. This idea is probablywhere the paradox sets in.

Coup d'oeil

2012-01-23T19:06:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Confounded II: The Perfect Car

2012-01-20T10:00:00.000+05:30

There comes a time in everyone’s life, when you begin to seethe other side… and life as you know it is changed forever. “Marriage”

After you’ve grown up to be a certain age, suddenly everyone’sobsessed about marriage. Then begins the “Big Search” from matrimonial sites,to random suggestions from family n friends, you undergo one of the most gruelingphases of your life, sometimes even worse than job search. I used to laugh atthe old movies where the girl comes with a tea tray in shivering hands to sitcoyly in a corner infront of the “ladkewale”… sadly it still happens. I thoughttimes had changed, yes they have, they don’t ask you to sing any more. That’s it…. Rest all, observations, speculation, analysis, goes on just as before. “Wedlock”is reduced to a well calculated choice… like buying a car.

1. You wanna buy a car, you check up for variousmodels. You check snapshots.

2. You shortlist some, check those with comparablespecifications.

3. You go checkout the car.

4. You take someone who already owns a car for atest drive (an expert in such matters).

5. You go check some other cars to compareperformances

6. You take your friend to test drive the othercars.

7. You compare…cross check…

8. Deal!!!… and she is at your doorstep! (You have now made a well-informed choice, and are all set to believe that you have brought the perfect car home)

That doesn’t sound half as bad… but any insider would tell you the worst steps are 2, 5 and 7.

Confounded I: Empowerment

2012-01-19T13:13:00.001+05:30

**I tried to put it all in one post... but it didn fit in well, so here's the first installment. you might wonder what i am trying to get at by the end.. but please wait til the next one...**

If we look back in time, to the days of Rajas and Maharajas,we’ll find many women that stand strong. Then may it be Rani Lakshmibai orJijabai… not only were they well educated and adept to stand amongst strong men(strong here implying by valour and stature) but they were also veryindependent women, who took decisions that shaped not only the destinies of theirfamilies but history as we know it.

Somewhere along time the trend reversed, women took abackstep, and their role in society was diminished to merely home-makers (I amnot undermining the task of home-makers here, it is indeed a huge task). Menearned the bread, women served it.

It is said education empowers you. In the pre-independenceera many prejudices plagued the society, one of them was the social inequalityfaced by women. It is no wonder that pioneers like Dhondo Keshav Karve andMahatma Phule looked up to education to change the state affairs. Beginningearly on with widow remarriages, they moved towards bringing women out of theirhomes, to light, to awareness, to education. The idea was to give them a voice,or rather to make it stronger, to transform them from dependents to “independents”.

This movement took several years to bearfruit, initially the women were apprehensive themselves, they had to first opentheir minds to new ideas, to the possibilities of a better life, and then theyhad to “convince” those that withheld them, to argue, struggle, to fight fortheir right… right to education.

As a result of this movement… post-independence we saw womenin schools... primary education was the first step. Though the drop-out ratewas high…gradually the numbers increased and sustained. Today Graduate womenare a common sight.

What does education mean? The ability to read and write is literacy… it’sa means towards education. When we say education empowers you… what does it do?I’d say education gives you the power to believe in your dreams and make themtrue, to believe in yourself and rise up to your true potential. And with powercomes freedom. The freedom to express, to build, to create… Education gives youeyes to see yourself for what you are, neither an inferior, nor a superior…butan equal.

I grew up to these ideas of education, freedom and equalityand in different magnitudes every educated woman does.

Curiosity

2012-01-18T14:15:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Silvatein...

2012-01-04T13:47:00.001+05:30

...creases of gold

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Reach for the sun

2012-01-03T21:53:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

In search of love...

2012-01-03T02:20:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Gupshup

2012-01-03T02:16:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

take a bow

2011-12-19T19:28:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Time travel

2011-12-19T19:26:00.001+05:30

...that ol' temple bell

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

winter delights-IV: never alone

2011-12-19T14:38:00.001+05:30

...always a bunchful

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

winter delights-III: growing up

2011-12-19T14:36:00.001+05:30

...not yet

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

winter delights-II: sunbathing

2011-12-19T14:30:00.001+05:30

...coz foggy nights, make way for sunny days

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

winter delights-I : permanence

2011-12-19T14:26:00.001+05:30

i may not be forever,

but while i'm here... rejoice

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

The eleven o clock song

2011-12-06T11:34:00.001+05:30

A lazy sunday at home, mum in the kitchen, dad in the hall... humming to old tunes.... and somehow it would be around eleven when this song got its turn....

been on a journey with songs for the past 3 days... some how there's a song for everyone. some songs just remind you of some people, some songs are like some people like you can just read the whole person in that one song... m back to those days again when there's always some song playing at the back of your head ( happy days?? ).

m so glad youtube happened (like someone envisaged it n stuff...)

we are here...

2011-11-12T12:04:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Home-bound

2011-11-09T11:38:00.001+05:30

...where the sun sets

where your heart rests

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

crazy thoughts-VII

2011-10-11T23:58:00.001+05:30

too many "me"s... i read something hoping for some answers, i ended up with more questions. no its not helping. Its like there are multiple conflicting "you"s ( or should i say "me"s)... and then you search for something inside you there, and you find more "you"s ("me"s) and one moment u can relate to them all, and then next moment they are all different. if we were all created, and if the purpose of life was to get liberated, then why was this whole mess up the way its messed up. its as if u were part of some video game, and the designer kept adding complexities (to just amuse himself??) or may be make it tougher, but then isn it he who s leaving? what if this all is just a "matrix" or something vaguely similar... more like a huge trap, and you just got a find a way out. How does it feel to know that you are just here for the amusement of someone up there... the whole world something like a massive cock-fight... or some bizarre sci-fi robo-wrestling. a game that progresses and develops on its own... just a game... and there is no more meaning... just the amusement of some higher being! would "life" still be the same... would you mark yourself lucky to be a part of it?

catching up

2011-10-09T13:17:00.000+05:30

been a while since i blogged, well hello yeah fellas...

life's moving, and well there's lots to be caught up on i guess. well when was the last time i spoke about what's happening, anyway seems very very long ago. id blame it on fb... it never allows for things to accumulate a lot to become worth a blog, and all potentials for blogposts is wasted on fb updates...

umm so well i am 2 weeks away from home. this blog for most had always been things that touch me, or mean to me in some way o the other. and as the frequency of my posts drops i wonder if it means things have stopped "touching" any more..or have i become more of impatient (cos sitting in a place and putting your thoughts down needs patience) or have thoughts lost the coherency they had before...

that apart... a lot many things have happened. i almost broke a leg... no twisted my ankle real bad and was condemned to 2 weeks of bed rest..(that in itself would have deserved a blog post but as i said blame it on fb) that too in some of the most exciting times around in col... so whilst everyone was hustling around i was lying still. so i did to try to be a part, and am grateful to all ma friends who waited on me and pampered me and tended me etc etc in all those 2 weeks and more. but i hated those 2 weeks cos i hate being dependent on someone else. Those were days when id get super depressed in the lone hours in the room, when id curse me self as well as others for not being considerate enough to have time for me... (though it wasn so, but they we like to blame things on others). There weren many scapegoats sadly... so "some" people stayed at the receiving end for those 2 weeks. i did manage to read a lot o books in those times. i would average a book a day o something like that. not a movie buff so dint manage much on that side. m so so grateful to spiffer for getting me back to books, i d totally lost that habit in engineering.

well as soon as i could move on my feet, i went on a well deserved trip to heaven (insights into that later) and now well life is back in a routine. i find myself spending more time in the lab and not cribbing about it as much. may be cos there is something to think and ponder about and m not so idle out there any more...

m grateful for the lessons of patience the 2 weeks (o was it more) in the room taught me. Those i hope last a lifetime...(cos lessons learnt are easy to forget ;) if not used often )

and on that note and promises of writing more... cheerios

bubblez...

p.s.
"The curios incident of the dog in the night time"-by Mark Haddon
"The wedding"- by Nicholas Sparks
"krishna corioilis"-by Ashok Banker
....must reads.

Coffee Lovers

2011-09-25T16:48:00.001+05:30

...when you are high, high on life, and everything around

its nice to put your words, without making a sound.

p.s. just cos it rhymes :P

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Lavender delites

2011-09-25T16:36:00.001+05:30

...we often smile at flowers

sometimes flowers smile at you

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Bricks, rocks ... and those hardened

2011-09-25T16:27:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Love and something beautiful

2011-09-25T16:23:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

oranges and lemons

2011-09-25T16:21:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

ghetto living

2011-09-07T21:46:00.005+05:30

condemned to a vacation

i here, rise and sway

smile and sleep

dream the day

and talk to walls

and stars beyond

wind unwinding

back and forth

loathe, blame, sigh, curse

underneath the pink

i lie immobile

and shrink

not me, may be hopes

may be smiles or what u smile on

may be bubbles

may be fizz

all that can break

but not the spine

i ask for all

but not time....

chaar saal baad

2011-09-01T19:45:00.001+05:30

a little late as usual, ... celebrating 4 years in blogistan.

Love to all...

will get back to scribbling soon :)

Pond Fish

2011-07-21T20:32:00.007+05:30

Been a year. I came from a Pond. a tiny little Pond. my Pond you could say. I'd been there for a long time. Well u don't exactly count days in ponds, ya but long long time. I was born there i guess. No one remembers where they were born anyway. But i was born in Pond. It was huge then, though its tiny now. We lived in West-End; me, mum-dad, and yes my brethren.When we were kids we would swim all over west end, me and bro. We'd explored most of West-End. It had a tiny ridge, that was our favorite hangout. Me n my pals would go there after school.

When i was older i was sent to the big school at Central Spring. I hated to be away from West-End. But then i fell in love with Central Spring nevertheless. Here's where i made a hell lot o friends and we roamed the whole of the Pond. The Pond was so huge and beautiful. You could swim whole day and never tire of it. There were these beautiful sea-weeds near the Loop. The loop was this nice lil place where there were these huge arcs that you could swim through. someone said they were skeletons. They d been lying there for a long long time and i don't really know. The Lounge was this awesome pub down south.there was a huge tree over it, that always kept it dark n cool down there.But you must go there. It was awesome. The ambience, the music, the drinks...and the yummiest starters everrrr..
aw i miss all of it.

Well m not in a pond anymore. no we dint move to a bigger pond and technically you cant just move from ponds, somebody's gotta move you o you gotta fly o may be swim against the spring(i dunno if anyone;s ever tried that though). this place is a lake. its beautiful and all that. but its not like my pond. yeah but its huge. very very huge. like ten times my pond o something. and there are lots o fishes here. like ten times my pond. i fell in a trap. i was hanging around at the Lounge, and then i knew i was in this huge bag flying away. i think i must have been knocked out o something. but it doesn't really matter. m at this lake now. and i dont really know how far it is from my Pond. may be its just besides may be its miles away. being a pond fish you cant really jump out of water and see beyond the banks. and here they have these huge walls too unlike the pOnd and sidewalks that have always these huge creatures walking around. the fish out here are crazy about them. they call them humans. i dont give much. may be coz i am new here... but these other fishes are totally crazy. they flock to the banks when they see them around. and they have crumbs thrown at, and sometimes mud, and bottles and gum too... but they still flock. sometimes these humans sit on the sidewalk with their feet underwater, and then everyone flocks to lick their feet. uggh!! u don lick tail-fins of other fishes do you? licking feet.. uggh. i wish the madness would end there, but no these fish are even crazier.not all but yeah most of em. then sometimes these humans come with nets and bags. yeah bags like the one in which i came here. and then all these fish would kill to get into one of those bags. they wanna go to one of those places that them humans call aquariums. apparently you get well-fed there and stuff. well m not particularly starving here, so i guess i'd be just fine here anyway.

they say i have a pond mentality. may be i do. but i dont want it to change to an aquarium one. i mean i love to look up from deep down and see the clouds, the shimmering sun. i love roaming around the lake(though it was more fun in the pond). i can take you around for a tour. though its man-made and stuff it isnt all that bad. and its not all man-made its jus extended one side to make it huger. you should go to the edges that are still pristine. not many fish go there. but then they are great. you find different fish there. your folks would freak out if u d told them about the big fish there and stuff. you just stay out of their sight then its fine.

and then there's so much more to do out here. i mean in the aquarium ud just be dancing around for someone for a while and then ud go back to ur perfect living place and sleep. and then may be youd make some new friends with the other fishes there. but then thats it. you'd just be living off... like in a loop. out here at the lake, you are creating everything. from where you gonna stay, to what you gonna do. and you go out for food. and you cook. its better than jus gulping pills. and then you teach all these tiny fish. and you make way for all the new fishes to live on. you dont just lick people's feet.

i lived in a pond for the most of my life, i may not have learnt too many things, but i learnt not to lick people's feet. i learnt the joy of exploring, of making new things, of giving back.i learnt to swim, i new that i belonged to a small pond so i learnt to stay humble. and i learnt that small o big, your pond is always your pond, and there's nothing like it.

soaring

2011-07-20T22:18:00.001+05:30

... the first time's a leap of faith,
all the rest are answers to a call

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

2011-07-10T20:29:00.001+05:30

In a coffee shop in a far-off place, lying on your bed flipping pages

...and then you are on a swing, though you still etch footprints on wet roads;

Singing songs to the birds that have well slept by now, chirping in their dreams, you wish.

...and then back to a limbo, that fills the spaces between!!!

2011-07-06T13:16:00.001+05:30

so let the engine roar
push the pedal down
i want the white lines on the highway
to lead me out of town...

....the wanderer craves

(D)illogical-- How to fall in love?

2011-06-07T20:22:00.008+05:30

first shortlist all the possible guys you can fall in love with (these would be based on various social, intellectual, monetary constraints).
then strike off those that don't meet your choices of physique( some love apes, some giraffes)
then those that have already been baited (unless you are bitchy enough to chase somebody else's guy)
then you have a bunchful of guys left that can be baited. now each of these guys again would probably have a list similar as yours. and then if you are in his list, and he in yours you have a fair chance of falling in calculated love. then you bait and wait. well if you aren't then you gotta use other tricks and bribery.
tips on that are well beyond this post.

and then there's the other way... where you just plunge on gut feeling. where eyes meet and there are butterflies and fairy tales.

while most emotions can be broken down... how do we break love into sets of likes and dislikes? u either love somebody o you don't. like, dislike o are indifferent. but then how do you answer that one question... why do you love someone? (cos my life would be perfect with this one person... and in shambles without!) how do you break an abstract feeling into a logical choice?

date a girl who reads

2011-05-12T00:19:00.003+05:30

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."

--Rosemary Urquico

picked it from here, dint want to lose this in the links posted on fb... so here...

crazy thoughts-VI

2011-04-23T16:07:00.003+05:30

the inability to think would be a curse you d say, but then thats just the tranquiliser you need, to stop it from exploding. to freeze out the thoughts. To not feel... to not feel your own self living like something you hated, loathed, despised. Something you lived against. To not feel yourself "living" the way life meant to you, or to not even find "life" holding the same "value". to give up life as you knew it for a life the way its presumed to be, just for something thats supposed to be revered above all.... but then you do think, and you cant stop thinking, and that's why being a presumptuous careless bitch is much easier

2011-04-23T15:11:00.007+05:30

she stared at the infinitude that stretched beneath her feet, the endless blues that gave wings to her dreams and the promises... promises in sand, promises on the ripples, promises to the dawn... promises to herself; promises of a way a life would be, would be lived, would be felt... and then the confessions, confessions of deep desires, and then the waves resounding the voice back. the voice that made promises, and promises to keep them.

he stood by her silently, not wanting to disturb the tranquil figure that stood defiantly in the gushing wind, teasing it with her fragile strength. a fresh gust shook her, he drew closer, sliding his fingers between hers. she smiled.

...the promises, the promise of love, of a life together, of a home, of adventures, of a companionship to be forever. she leaned back on him, he wrapped his arms around her. she smiled back at the sea... a weak smile, one that acknowledges a defeat even before the onset of a battle. " I love him" she whispered to the breeze,it dint return to hear any more.

The sea conceded into a silent grey

2011-04-16T11:00:00.004+05:30

'Give me your love' said she,

'Give me your dreams' said he

'Give me your pride' said she

'Give me your mind' said he

The passive Indian

2011-04-09T13:55:00.000+05:30

Hello world, I am here to talk. No not promises, speeches n slogans and stuff of that sort. No just gupshup. Yeah the around the corner “hi! Hello!” stuff. Candle light march? Ahh yes id been on one.i walked with a candle talking about my day, and movies n stuff. No I din’t speak on camera, just to people I knew. Some I met after long. Huge turn out. What opinion? I don’t know what to say. No am not the ‘neta types’. M just a peaceful little person. No I don’t crave for media attention. Ahh yes it would be nice to have your photo in the paper. No but not at such things. No nothing political. I don’t want to be associated with anything remotely political. No pro no against. Yes I do think about it, sometimes when everyone’s talking. No actually not much. Then it passes.

Newspaper?? Ya I read. No news channels, unless it some 26/11 or tsunami o world cup coverage. No I don’t read the newspapers, just page 3. It depresses me. Just the headlines sometimes. Just a glance. But I prefer listening it from others. Less depressing.

Corruption?? Yes yes corrupt people should be punished. I support that. I support everyone who says corruption should be dealt with. I listen to speeches on vigilance awareness. But I want my passport in a week, and I hate the queues at the RTO. No I don’t mind shelling a few bucks there. Time is more important than money right? And we the bourgeois don’t have much time, always on the run. Bus to catch , train to catch… sleep to catch. Yes loads o work.

I know I should feel it, but m desensitized, its an everyday thing now, scams and tremors. They both shake you, but then it passes and you learn to move on. I just want to live in peace.

Change? change is the only constant. I believe things will change for good, when I am in those optimistic moods, yeah I have faith in justice. I believe in karma. I pray my own prayers… I don’t think I can bring any change. its for those neta types, not us, not me atleast. I am just a commoner. And this is not some freedom struggle is it? I remember the last time there was an uproar against reservation, and its only worsened now. May be corruption might too. M just speculating. I don’t know, I cant b sure. May be I don’t have a voice cos I belong to the masses, the voice is lost in the humdrums of routine. M just a tiny speck. I have too many things to think of.Yes I am patriotic thrice a year. I stand up for the national anthem even when it plays on tv. I see flag hoisting on tv. What more do you expect? I do my work, as honestly as possible. Not always yeah, but I try. But what the hell no one does. I do my tiny little part. Yeah I go on polio booths twice a year. I pay my taxes. I vote. (though I really don’t want to, but it’s a holiday newe and the booth isn’t tat far.)

I’m just a passive Indian….all I want at the end of the day, is to see them all sleeping soundly in the comforts of a ‘home’. I’m just a passive Indian… let me be.

i love your eyes

2011-04-06T19:56:00.006+05:30

this one's for "you". ( i hope "you" will know its you)

I've been wanting to say this for quite some time. "I love your eyes".

They have something in them, that takes things a little beyond the obvious.That child like curious inquisitive look of yours, it amazes me how you can always hold it (in calm and chaos alike)

i love the way you lend the "extra" to the ordinary...

the way you add "depth"...

just by the way you look at them.

the way you change perspectives, and especially how u make others see them.

i love the way you hold things in your eyes... and make them mean much more

i love your eyes... really!!! i wonder if you think with them too.

(p.s. this post was inspired by this pic. photo by Aakash Johry flicked from his fb album)

2011-04-04T12:02:00.003+05:30

"What you feel in the presence of a thing you admire is just one word-'YES'. The affirmation , the acceptance, the sign of admittance. And that 'YES' is more than an answer to one thing, its kind of 'Amen' to life, to the earth that holds this thing, to the though that created it, to yourself for being able to see it. But the ability to say 'Yes' or 'No' is the essence of all ownership. it's your ownership of your own ego. Your soul, if you wish. Your soul has a single basic function, the act of valuing. 'Yes' or 'No', 'I wish' or 'I do not wish'. You can't say 'Yes' without saying 'I'. There's no affirmation without the one who affirms. In this essence everything to which you grant your love is yours."

Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

patience

2011-03-12T01:58:00.003+05:30

Patience is a lost virtue...

The Enemy

2011-03-02T14:48:00.000+05:30

Its been like over a month now, a month of constant resistance…But the enemy is still strong. And the rising mercury for some reason unable to weaken him. We d thought it will come to our aid. The temperatures that was definitely an advantage counted, but it’s not working. New strategies need to be worked out. We are unable to understand how the enemy manages to mute out all voices, all sounds, till the sun is way above horizon. And it takes repeated THUDS to break the enemies sound trap.

It started at the onset of winters, as we gradually allowed them into our rooms… they lay limply in a corner first, and then spread their expanse to engulf everything, glued us to them, kinda addicted. But little did we know that the enemy in disguise would someday turn so strong , and we would helplessly return to him every night, and stay there unable to release one from his grip.

we do not have the strength yet to lift him and bury him deep down, ther’s a fear of another cold wave… what if one may just need him then… at that critical moment. We were thankful to him at first… glad of their presence… but now… oh we wish we could shake him off..

The enemy still strong around as we write here… wrapped around… the enemy… “the quilt”

Riding Clouds

2011-02-27T10:35:00.002+05:30

I have this swing right outside my house.. I loved swinging on it, esp in the evenings. A seaside sunset, swift breeze, rhythmically gushing waves, tall palms…. And a vast open sky above and yes clouds… passing clouds.

My most vivid memory of the times on the swing is with my cousin. I guess I started sitting on the swing cause of him. We would fall back on the swing, staring up into the sky, riding clouds… throw a lasso over a cloud and wander into “neverland”. Then talks on life, the universe and everything else would ensue. Riding clouds would never be possible if not for him.

… when I return home this time, he l be a little more older, a little farther from “clouds” and the road to “neverland” may be lost forever as he grows up.

2011-02-26T11:43:00.002+05:30

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

--Marilyn Monroe

What If?

2011-02-22T11:59:00.004+05:30

The length of time is a relative term. How long is a year? If you r just a year old, well a year is all you’ve got and its LONG… when your 90, a year is just a year, a one more to 89, a one more to more..

How long is a day? If your having a bad-hair day its LOOOONG, if your out with your chummies, its too SHORT…its 24 hours either way!!

How long is a year? How long is a year that spaces you over 2021 kms (;))? How long is a year with someone? (or for the most part without?) Anniversaries are add-ons to a relationship. For those blessed with the curse of a strong memory, they are a little too many. There are all the numerous “firsts” and then the seconds, thirds, “n^ths” to commemorate the firsts.

They usually start with “d’ you remember …” and then there is a long conversation on who remembers what. The specifics are obfuscated as the stories are told and retold to make a fairy tale.

For anything new, a year is a long way… the first is the toughest, hardest, longest and to some extent the most delightful year , by virtue of it being the “first”. It’s a year of a lot of first experiences, some pleasant some unpleasant. Often it’s a glimpse to the possibility (o impossibility) of a forever.

The first year is the “toddlers”. You don’t just live a relationship you parent it. You bring it up, you feed it to give it strength, you walk it, you clutch it when it stumbles, you lift it when its falling, importantly you “keep holding on….”

Some stories begin with blinking eyes, some with blushes, some with roses.... It began with a “what if?”

Untitled

2011-02-14T13:26:00.002+05:30

Words trickle, colours fade…. Life moves on.

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Long distance

2011-01-23T12:36:00.006+05:30

While graduation marks the end of an epic, it also marks the beginning of a lot of first times, one of the foremost are long distance relationships. The word relationships here not being restricted to the strictly romantic ones. Work, studies, time pull you apart. Sometimes geographical distances are the barrier, sometimes temporal. but what stays is the word distance. and then some day some snaps remind you of some people, you add new people on your phone list, and old ones are phased out. As you age, you have more n more people to keep track off, and trust me this can be an overwhelming task. so here are a few tippers, to save dying LDRs, to preserve the ones, or to build up on em...

there are a certain things that need to be understood at the beginning. First "things have changed". That you have moved places is a "fact" neither parties can run away from, so embrace it.

Secondly you have moved apart cos of a reason (cause) etc. and that often has more to do with subsistence, survival, careers and such other things, and by virtue of that, it kinda ranks above everything else. Respect this. Respect other's time and commitments. In a complex social network like the one that we live in, even casual chitchat is not merely a waste of time.

we can now move further to some real tips..

1) Act grown-up: since you have well, graduated now, and are probably working somewhere or doing post grad, or in some cases happily married, you are expected to show a certain level of maturity. not just in your work, but in the way you manage everyday issues, the way you deal with people, and the way you look at them.

2)Be in touch: make use of all the means of communication you have. e-mail, phone, sms, social networks. they are here for you.

3) Talk: Catching up can be an overwhelming task. so speak out. your friend circles may now not overlap, but the stories can still be narrated. talking about work is not always boring. we can all be storytellers, tap your potential. when the other person has no clue of the world you are in, you have an additional task of building this world of yours for him, this initial trouble may well pave way for topics to talk for a lifetime.

4) Voice and Word your emotions: when in person, our face conveys most of our emotions, we hardly need to rely on voice and words, but in LDRs these are critical. Speak out whats in your mind. Speak out how you feel. If somethings bothering you talk. If you are angry yell. if you are happy jump on the phone. you need to exaggerate a little. A smile on phone is never conveyed, you must giggle o laugh.

5)Call back: it may often happen that you are busy with something when someone calls you up. make it a habit to call back on missed calls, or at least text back.a text hardly takes time.

6) Catch up: meet people. when you go back home, plan up a meet. When you go some place where you know some of your friends are, ring them up, check if its possible to meet. (i'd always get irritated with dad's endless list of people to meet when we went any place for a vacation. But its important. we are all people-people)

7)Redefine relationships: at distances we often need to redefine relationships. it begins from the way we interact to the levels at which we interact.

8)Resolve issues: this kinda comes as a sub under talk/express. Issues will always be there. Speaking them out is the best way to resolve them, and resolving them asap. the longer something stays the more it affects. the other person may be lost in his/her own world to keep track of you. it doesn't necessarily mean he/she is not bothered.

9)Anniversaries matter: may it be a birthday, an anniversary, first child, a year at work, it all matters. make notes, set reminders, send wishes...

10) Preserve: This is the most cliched line... relationships are fine threads, delicate.... preserve them with all your finesse.

Surprises surprise you

2011-01-22T21:02:00.002+05:30

Surprises are a bad idea. Though “surprise” has a positive connotation, I’ve figured as u grow up, surprises are never fail-proof.

There are lot of troubles with it… Keeping the surprise hidden being the first n foremost.

A surprise has a lot of assumptions associated with it, which violates the principle of “never taking people for granted”.

A surprise has a lot of expectations associated, more the number of people involved more the expectations. We expect people to react in a certain way, we expect the people to consider the surprise in a certain way. So a harmless surprise may turn into a complete disaster.

Motive is the prime controversial factor. The simpler the motive, the more controversial things get. As I d said before its very difficult for people to accept simple things.

We assume certain settings, that never happen, what is often ignored is the mood of the person(s) the surprise is meant for. That’s one thing u can never predict. Surprises are a gamble. The longer u have to hold them, the more strained the surprise turns.

Overall stay away from em as long as u can… too much effort, too little returns ( o too much that u don’t expect)

Beyond

2011-01-15T16:04:00.001+05:30

...where sight fails; dreams begin

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

The guy on the street

2011-01-15T15:59:00.001+05:30

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

star-struck

2011-01-15T15:56:00.001+05:30

...shimmering distractions

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

Unwritten

2011-01-13T20:49:00.001+05:30

...love letter(s)

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

resolutions

2010-12-31T13:01:00.002+05:30

well this time, this had to be the last post. Resolutions....

1)wake up early...

i have been grappling with "arising" problems since winters, and since my classes dont start before 11, i think i need to pump in some serious motivation to wake up early.

2)Communicate...

since Kanpur, i ve let go of a lot of good habits that i'd maintained in Pune. Being in touch was one of them. The people i'm regularly updated about has dropped to an alarming level. So apologies to all you guys who i haven't been in touch with, n hoping the new year will change that... (pucca)

3)Spend less time on phone...

umm not much comments on that, but yeah that's something i resolve to honestly give a shot. and to keep both (2) and (3) may require resorting to older forms of communication, but well that's that then.... back to pen-friends, n e-mails....

4)Diary...

that tiny little book that helped me focus... i've lost the habit, so reviving that...

5)Exercise...

i've bcum super super super lazy... i hope (1) aids (5) and vice versa

6)Read more...

with (3) i hope i will find some more time for books...should drift a bit into vernac too.

That's it for now... a short list is better than a long impossible one...

signing off for now. See you guys next year. and yeah HAve Fun, jus don't go over board.. STAY SAFE

Forgive, forget, make amends, make new beginnings, and don't forget to always "KEEP SMILING"

Lots o LOve

Bubbles!!!!

updates

2010-12-26T20:10:00.003+05:30

just back from a long break back home. well yeah looong if you could call 20 days that. i was hoping for a well-planned holiday, cos well i had a plan in my head, but then as every plan, it dint work that day. each day was on its own till i reached the last 2 days, n i had to cram lots o ppl into it. yeah in Goa my days are counted by the people i meet on tat day.

i d hoped for a long loafing sessions wit friends, din happen. partly cos loafing like in col times will probably never happen again, and so much time is spent catching up that there's hardly time fr anything else. yeah we managed a small trip to terekhol though. (Terekhol is a fort on the Goa-maharashtra border that is now converted to a resort, and where we had one of the most expensive lunches ever)

i spent more time home this hols, partly cos there wasnt anyone around, and partly cos i just wanted to be home. My trip to my native place was one of the highlights. i drove all the way till there (my first looooong drive) .everytime i go there, i feel older. may be its in the air. there's just so much more to deal with than what normally sees u in the face in Goa (and now kanpur). Belgaum often feels like one big whole close-knit place. its like everyone knows everyone, its not less than some daily soap. There's always some drama o other happening, and there's lots n lots n lots o gossip (men-women gossipping at different levels, women in the kitchen, men in the hall)

had a first taste of "mulgi pahanyacha karyakram" and trust me its stupid. i have alwes ended up on awesome notes with people i've had the worst first impressions about, and yet here we almost leave everything at the mercy of tat. but well that's the way things work. once you look old enough, "spouse-finding" obsesses everyone around you. You discover a lot of never before known relatives, and you hear a lot of never-before heard stories. You dig ur past, you dig others past, u spend spies, you use deception, man its not less than some covert operation. no wonder they use the term "yuddhpatalivar" (like in war) in marathi to describe this whole scene.

and unlike last time, i just dint want to leave Goa. for sometime i felt like my purpose of the trip is still unfulfilled, that there's still something left, something lingering at the back of the mind. but well i guess i'l have to wait till next hols to find that.

i did manage to finish reading "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom, and "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. tiny books yeah, but great reads...esp the latter, loved it.

that about sums up the hols, more on all the moments in retrospect later.

2010-11-29T13:21:00.002+05:30

it flutters, it struggles, it dies

....dust!!!

m not a butterfly. . . my "hope" is

"don't kill me"---a plea

Autobiography of a tomboy

2010-11-23T13:58:00.003+05:30

Its been a while, quite a while, I guess around 2 years since graduation. Ahh the pics.. I just love them. Doesn’t look like me naa…

Ahh well but it is. I miss those days. We were a fun bunch. All of us. I dunno when I turned this way. I was always a dominating person, but not the girlie dominating types. Yeah more like the guys. The one who’d put an arm around you and talk you into things. That’s not conventional girls way is it?

My autograph book from school labeled me a tomboy. Its stuck. I loved the tag. I was one, (I am still?)

It was all always “apan log” and then “ladki log” like they were a different species. A species I despised. Ahh yes I hated them. I hated anything girlie. i hated the restrictions, I hated all those things that tied u upto being a girl. They never seemed right, they don’t seem now either. I couldn’t understand how biological differentiation should lead to social differentiation as well.

You cant force thoughts on someone can you? I mean if I felt more comfortable with guys, than with girls, you couldn’t entirely blame me. The guys with me in school, they never made me feel like a girl. To a certain extent they forgot I was one, I forgot I was one.

It was a never a guy girl thing actually. I couldn’t understand why close friendships had to be restricted to same sex. What was so wrong in putting your hand on someone’s shoulders… as I grew older there more why’s in the list. Why I cant go for night outs, parties, long drives. Why do I have to be back home at 7. Why is it mandatory to have atleast one girl in the list when I am going out…

It was a tough time, fishing for girls, and getting them to vouch for you. Especially when you don’t have rapport them. It was a tough time catching up with the guys. I had to fight for the freedom that came much easily to them.

But I had fun. I had awesome fun. All those casual times at the canteen, the “gado”, the gymkhana, the laughs, the pranks, the shouting, yelling, the bike-rides, the night outs…. That was me

But its different now. The guys have grown up, they have their own lives. I ve tried to fit myself in a girlie disguise… but I still miss it. I mean at the core, m still the tomboy. Sometimes I feel trapped. Between two types of people. Sometimes its hard to discuss things with guys, and then you wish you had some girl for friend.

Someday there shall be a “he”. A specific he who d probably not like his “she” to loaf around with guys. and I’ll miss out on all the reunions or I’d try to be suave and composed cos their “she”s may not like “ us being us”. And I’ll miss them, “all the awesome guys” who made school,college worth every bit of it. May be this is an ode to them… o jus a note of gratitude, o just to tell you all how much m missing you…

One of the guys once said, “the girl with the boy-cut still felt more like you…”

--i just wish I could be that forever……

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

2010-11-11T00:46:00.002+05:30

someone shared this link on twitter... http://www.aaronpeng.org/?p=1876 speech by Adrian Tan at NTU convocation ceremony

some excerpts

"Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust."

" The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence."

" It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. "

2010-11-10T21:50:00.002+05:30

(what's said hardly matters)

casual, unspecific everyday chit chat has an amazing healing power, a power over all the deep cuts by sharp words...

remembrance is sometimes a curse... words long ago come back to pierce u, as broken promises, as afterthoughts, as moments wasted... i am blessed to forget.

backtracking..... embracing silence again

the end--- never!

2010-11-08T23:47:00.003+05:30

after almost planning the end.... m back here...

i dont think wetfootprints (o psychedelic slippers) shall ever pause (a complete fullstop is a definite no)

this blog is just one of the things that makes me... "me", and i come as a full package with all this included....

my blog, my past, my dreams... and a lot more "my"s

and to shy away from writing here, would be to be afraid to be myself...

remember the first time my mom read my diary... i almost stopped writing after that. i d never let that happen to u dear blog...

there may be trickles, there may be floods....but when you walk through them, there shall always be wet footprints....

p.s. a special thanks to all blogdosts who showed concern....

Free

2010-11-08T13:48:00.002+05:30

the word i love the most.....

i'd kill for it

http://wet-footprints.blogspot.com/2007/10/story.html

same thoughts....

Untitled

2010-11-04T22:53:00.001+05:30

festive glow

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

10 tiny lamps

2010-11-04T21:03:00.001+05:30

6:12 pm… a damped soul releases the latch on the door. Flings bag on the bed, the first desire is to fall flat on the bed, but then decides otherwise…

A tiny packet of “lamps” is all it takes to release the festive spirit..

10 tiny lamps… that make me long for the stereotyped diwali conversations…

“arey sandhyakal jhaali ajun pantya nahi lavlya”

“aaai pantya”

“lightingchi maal kadh”

“arey ajun jhala nahi kartik? Kevha udya lavnar kay?”

“aaj ratrpali vatatay?”

Glue, paper, scissors, a sleepless night…

10 tiny lamps…make me smile, cause I am still in sync with whats happening at home.

declutter

2010-11-02T19:57:00.005+05:30

gearing up for "that time" of the sem again

my aids

my tools

rearranged desk space, rearranging head space

2010-10-31T21:10:00.005+05:30

i thought life hardens you, turns out its the other way round.....

and there were dreams, and there was fire....and now just glints

to experience my first real winter... its already cold inside, outside...

dad says dependence on anything is not good. unrelated.

-- a foetal recoil in a corner of the bed ; my blanket<-->my mom, my teddy<--> my confidante....

i have no issues with "love" as such just the limiting it to the scope of a "relationship", weighing it down with "expectations"

*** on a brighter note... some people remind you why you are what you are.. after many days my words felt right, real, authentic. aft many days, talking felt like an unobstructed flow of thoughts.

bubbled...

saying thanks is sometimes, not the apt way to express your gratitude

letters

2010-10-22T11:32:00.002+05:30

Our college cultural fest is going on, "Antaragni". Yesterday was opening night. Pro-nite was a play titled “Love letters” by A. R. Gurney, performed by Rajit Kapur n Shernaz Patel.

Loved the play. The performance was just awesome! It sketches the life of 2 people over a span of some 50 years (or something), through letters that they write to each other. There’s hardly much beyond 2 people reading letters at 2 ends of the stage, but the actors put so much life into the characters, tat for the hour n half that the play lasted I was completely lost in it.

Parts of it took me back to my own tryst with letters. Ahh!! The days when penning it all out was much easier than talking. When I would jump at the sight of the postman. I had a bunch of pen friends then. I just loved it. Writing long letters, n then posting them, n then waiting for a letter in return. Constructing a whole you for someone else was a task. I dunno how far I managed. Slowly the letters dwindled. Now there are almost none. Many of them I have lost track of, a few are still in touch through social networks. But it’s not like in those letters… virtual loosely translates as not real to me. I d still love to hold a photograph in my hand over a pic on the pc. I d still love to read a letter over an e-mail.

As much as I love to wait for letters, I guess I d get impatient waiting for them. I d rather e-mail n get a prompt reply now.

Letters are frozen thoughts. They have a kind of permanence in them. Often the way the words are formed on paper reveals much more than the words themselves. Letters have a more personal touch (and in that sense feel more real)

And then there was the time of unsent letters. Letters written, but never delivered. Letters that stayed with me, till they turned to extraneous permutations of alphabets.

Letters live....

And when you are mad at someone tearing to bits is more mollifying than deleting net logs

2010-10-20T22:19:00.001+05:30

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'"

- Jack Kerouac

and on an unrelated note

2010-10-20T03:08:00.002+05:30

memories are always triggered. like volcanoes... n then they erupt a lava of emotions. i d call them old feelings... i d tell me get over it, i d say all those things if it was any other day....

missing spiffer, missing buddy.....

m scribbling with invisible ink over ma blank wishlist

blurb

2010-10-20T02:48:00.002+05:30

on 10th october, i stepped on homeland after like 2 months... looking back it doesn feel all tat long. (except for the one time when i booked my tickets when i was really dying to get back home).

my home trip turned out nothing like i expected it to be. when i stepped in the car outside the airport, i d expected myself to burst into a chatter, o atleast be bombarded by a series of questions. neither of which happened. we drove home jus like usual. i was greeted home by lots o ppl, who were like just waiting fr me to step in so they cud move out. daaa....

freshened up n i was out on the sofa. i had surprisingly even fewer things to say. made me wonder at my inability to talk. is it tat words feel more futile, o thoughts jus cant find words, o m i too lazy to jus take the effort to voice it out. hmmm nt pretty sure. wonder wher the verbose me went.

my normally cuddle hater cousin, din mind me cuddling him for 10 minutes the day we met. the dinner was the best part... fish curry rice... mom made!

i don remember when i slept off tat night. i woke up as usual. all the days tat followed have formed a continuum in my head n i can hardly pin point where one ends n the other begins.

i remember the riverside by the night, the beachside by the morning, the sunsets.......

i remember the spifferchat. breaking hearts at tempts aft what felt like ages......

i remember hitting 120 on the way bac home....

i remember wanting to stretch a moment to forever....

n there's all those gaps that m nt sure happened. its like surreal. like the week was out of my life. n then the whole missing the flight episode on the day i was supposed to leave.

may be cos of that, n cos of some god-knows reasons.... i was more than glad when the wheels hit the runway at lucknow airport. aft all the sleepy flight journeys .... the bus kept me awake.

i was almost gonna type bac home.

m stil wondering why being here feels like a more natural state of existence...

...to be contd

just rambles

2010-10-03T10:37:00.002+05:30

how can someone else be a parameter that decides how contented u are with ur life? i wonder who put the notion in people's head that life is all about living for others, love is giving and such analogous bull shit.

makes me feel sick. thoughts similar to these.

i don't live for anyone, i live for me. i dont do things so that someone else should feel nice abt it, i do them cos i feel so. none of my actions spring from a thought that this is for someone else.... and if someone claims doing so is possible he s probably fooling himself.

why do people try to fight things that are impossible to fight? "reality", "facts" for example...nostalgia is one thing, but wanting to walk back in time is quite another. and then the other extreme, where everything is "for the future".. there's jus no present.

how can u claim to live when ur thoughts refuse to accept "today". (time travel is stil fiction)

how can anything that compels u to reverse the tenets that defines living be anything but harmful?

atlas shrugged

2010-09-28T14:10:00.004+05:30

after months of sitting with it (2 months to be precise) i finally turned the last page of the book, early last night. makes me love ayn rand al the more.

ul love the book, if u love ayn rand o if u live by what she preaches (not necessarily in an extreme manner) o if u love a good read.

tho the book loses pace for a couple of chapters in book one. Every bit of it is worth.

as u discover who is john galt, u begin another quest for the john galt within you (around you) and then u fall in love with the person that he is.

i wouldn write much here, jus grab a copy. its nt jus worth a read, its worth rereading

special thanks to spiffer for giving me this book, and bringing me to the world of ayn rand!

p.s.: wish i cd tag guys in blogposts too... shreyas simu strongly recommend you to read the same!

2010-09-28T12:01:00.002+05:30

It feels like spring again. i can see roses around me, and tulips and anemones..

hope sputters out of cracks of despair, like peepal in cracked walls.

its clear again-- visions, dreams,directions.

....... flickering yellows make u smile.

(butterflies)

o sweet spontaneous...

2010-09-25T01:30:00.001+05:30

O sweet spontaneous
earth how often have
the doting

fingers of
prurient philosophies pinched
and poked

thee
has the naughty thumb
of science prodded
thy

beauty how
often have religions taken
thee upon their scraggy
knees squeezing and

buffeting thee that thou mightest conceive
gods
but
true

to the incomparable
couch of death thy
rhythmic
lover

thou answerest

them only with

spring

--e e cummings

Cake 3

2010-09-02T10:55:00.003+05:30

....the keyboard's still tapping

(the ink still flows)

Trade-off

2010-08-26T14:27:00.005+05:30

Trade-offs. used this term a couple o times couple o places. Dint think i d b using it in lifE as such. There's always a trade-off , between what's in your hand at right now, and what u wanna hold. Between what u can do, and what u wanna do. Between ur heart and ur head.

Should there be? if we are a single entity, should what we feel be different from what we live? shouldn't life be bound by one philosophy, a single thought that runs through you, and reflects in everything that you do? Should there be a trade-off between being happy and making someone happy? Shouldn't it be the same?

i can't understand compromises. I cant understand giving up something for something else. There cant be something less and something more... its either something o nothing.

i cant understand why we sometimes fake ourselves. or we drift to believe that we are something else. why is inactivity so elusive? What can be achieved from endless conversations tat lead nowhere, head nowhere?

Why is being practical often interpreted as being insensitive? o why doesn't "sense" go along with "feel" when in fact they are synonyms. is it wrong to feel with your head as well as think with it?

do u have to be a lovey-dovey dreamer all thru? why do we stereotype ourselves? why is love associated with pain, sacrifice, stuff of the sort? why is love projected as a euphemism for giving up "what you stand for"?

my minds running like a lab rat on the wheel.... we keep drawing lines, building walls, confining ourselves in self defined boundaries. Why is it so difficult to accept ones freedom? Why is it an effort to "live free"?

Love, sex aur...

2010-08-22T11:12:00.006+05:30

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

She woke up a little dizzy, raised herself to sit on the bed. Her legs felt shaky. Long night...she thought. She glanced at her watch on the bedside table, a diametric line connecting 6 n 12. "too early!" Her clothes were strewn over the floor; her white top served a door mat,while jeans marked a midway, a brassiere hung limply from the corner of the bed; like charting a progression, on the ruffled bed sheet she saw spots of red.... she closed her eyes tight shut.

She tried to think...thoughts evaded her. She felt blank... drained. Thirsty... she walked towards the study table to reach the bottle. Every step felt an effort. 2 gulps... a naked image in the mirror across the room stared back at her. She ran her hand through her hair in partial disbelief, a few strands fell on her neck, her breasts, her feet.... she brushed them aside softly... it hurt, just touching herself. Her white skin had marks of red, blue, blue-black.. like she d crashed into a bush of thorns and bruised every bit of her.

A violent impulse drove her to spring across the room and grab her clothes. She tried not to feel them. Everything hurt at the moment. Things were coming back to her now... slowly.

"HE"... where's he? she frantically began looking for her cell. a metallic glint besides the pillow.

1 unread message, the screen flashed. She deliberated for a moment if to read it or not.

"you were great baby!! love you..." she scrolled down hoping for something. the message was timed 4 p.m

4 p.m.!!!!! she ran to the window and pulled open the curtains. birds chirped over a setting sun. she stared at her watch again. she rang his number... the ring passed unanswered, she tried twice, thrice... no reply.

"1... 2... 3... 4..." she began counting. "do something. Don't let your thoughts run, don't cry. Just stay calm. Just count. 1... 2... 3... 4... i should be happy, at least not sad, at least not miserable, at least not disgusted. Its not wrong. everyone does it. It's okay ain't it?

i love him, he loves me... love justifies... justifies everything. Its not a big deal. Its okay...

don't think...1...2...3...4....

why isn't he responding? why isn't he calling back? when did he leave? why did he leave? he never leaves without goodbye...

stop... count... 4...5...6... count steps"

she walked towards the bathroom. "i don't want to walk... where are you? why don't you pick the phone?...7...8...9..." the remnants of a joint lay in the waste basket besides a used condom.

her cell beeps..

"hey baby"

"hello....where were you"

"sleeping, you tired me..."a mischievous chuckle"i'd never dreamt u d b so amazing, i love the way you..."

"...." a sob

"hey what happened?"

"i don't feel right!"

laughs..."C'mon."

"It doesn't feel right!"

"its not a big deal..what the fuck is wrong with you? Its not like you've committed a sin, Its nothing. Everyone does it... you don't have to make this an issue. You love me don't you?"

"I do, but..."

"but what... what are you chickening about? we not kids any more....and it was SAFE!"

"I am not worried about that, it just doesn't feel right"

"you need sleep, just go get some rest. You will be okay."

"Why did you leave all of a sudden?"

" you were tired, you slept, what did you want me to do after that?"

"HUh!!!!????"

"gotta go bye...." the phone snaps.

the cell slipped between her fingers to the floor... Queasy.. she walked to the bathroom again.

Under the shower,as the first lines of water trickled down the length of her body to her feet, a weird sense of being cleansed took over her. n then an urge to scrub off all the marks of the past few hours. She wanted to scrub it off her body, out off her memory. She began scrubbing herself harder...useless... the reds only glared back at her brighter...

She clutched the shower knob and burst into tears. "i don't want all this... i told you. i told you so many times. Is this all you can think of? Is that all that it means to you to be in love. To submit to this one carnal desire? i feel like an object right now, a being, reduced to the level of an instrument to quench your libido

1...2...3...

Sex is not submissal, its an expression, its not where you lower yourself, its where you raise yourself, where you lose semblance of individuality, when you are not afraid to be you and still you know its not just being you. Its an enjoyment, a celebration. Its not just the groans and the moans... its not how deep u can reach or how hard u can get. Its not a style statement, its something really personal.

count...4...5...6...

Its sacred... its something you do with the purest of minds, without a selfish thought behind it. Love is not a means of sex, and neither the the other way round. Sex is not a means for anything...neither creation nor pleasure, pleasure is what comes to you on its own as a part of it. Its not how u feel when you are doing it tat matters, its about how you feel once its over.

10...12...

she walked out of the shower, water dripping from the tips of her hair.She sat on the edge of the bed.... she could still feel his presence. His hands sliding down her, smoothly and swiftly.... adapting to every revulsion of hers, sometimes a pull, sometimes a push, sometimes a violent plunge, his whispers in her ears...his lustful eyes, that made her shut her own tighter, like it would be easier if she dint see it all.

she picked her cell off the floor.

"hello..."

"yup"

"i need to meet you..."

"sure will catch up for dinner around 8?"

"k.."

"Your parents not yet home right? i was hoping for dessert after dinner!"chuckles.

....

a month old

2010-08-20T14:17:00.003+05:30

m well a month old here now.

almost gotten myself into a routine here, though try hard to avoid that. weeks are full of lots o work to do. there's alwes an assignment o a quiz round the corner, n weekends sometimes crawl and sumtimes fly off. Time s flying overall... n i think it won b long b4 its december.

Got a bunchful of gals out here that make up my so called comfort zone. times with them are full of loads o laughter. i'd never thought i d ever get along with gals this well.

Our class is all but ten ppl, n m gettin to know some of them only now. Esp after our dept provided us with a readin room. Thankfully i m nt so sleepy as the first 2 weeks here.

The other day we went shoe shopping, ended up with much more than shoes... Shopping always cheers me up. It had been a LOOOOOng week n shopping was just wat i needed. we went to the city in a rick, n then into a mall, shoe shopping, then went further to another mall in search of a lappy shop. but there was none. decided jus to glance things in the mall, ended up shopping there too... crowded mall, independence day crowd.missed flag hoisting on 15th aug again. over slept as usual.

going to Kanpur(the city i mean, my col is on the outskirts) is a pain. the sights and sounds are so unpleasant. thats probably one thing that discourages u from goin out to often. yeah the traveller in me misses going around. taking it a little slow this sem. wanna settle my academics straight first. may be more of exploring in the days to come. Though there isn't much in Kanpur itself, there are quite a few places tat are an overnight journey from here. Hoping for some of those in the weekends to follow. The traffic is pure crazy... everyone drives with a blind belief tat he owns the road.

had a basketball match sometime in between with the other hostel gals. at the end of an hour of play all i wanted to do was drop flat on the court. there's another one tomo. m stil deciding between going and not.

joined a gym cause i realised that mess food is actually working well fr me.

besides work n squeezing time for ppl, the list of ppl on my call list is dwindling. a few numbers run in a loop. messaging has reduced to 10% of wat i would before. and so also an exponential decrease in the time i spend on the net. the average time i spend online at a stretch is roughly 15 minutes, which comprises of checking my institute inbox, facebook and gmail. i almost forgot i have a twitter account, n my blog often stares blankly at me.

a story is runnin somewhere in my head... so hope to write soon.

ciao till then...

Bubbles

one of my first pics here

peacocks are a plenty here

Apeksha's bday, theme:balloons

Raka's bday, Theme :bandits

casual updates

2010-08-06T13:30:00.002+05:30

well into my third week here now. classes have a slow pace, still m struggling to find time for myself. just don realise how time passes... looks like the two years are gonna pass faster then i d
imagined. between phone calls, friends n classes i scrape in some time to read. Reading Atlas Shrugged at the moment (courtesy Spiffer). i go into blank states when i look at my blog. i d expected to have more stuff to write once my life starts bustling with activity again, but....

we had a hostel freshers nite las weekend. overnight preparations, all the rush, was funn.. reminded me so much of col days n my col mates... there was live music after the cultural events got over so we danced into the night.(till some people residing in the quarters opposite our hostel requested us to cut the volume).. it was almost 12 by then. a bunch of us went cycling around wishing everyone Happy Friendship day, croaking Dosti songs at the top of our voices.Exhausted after a looong timer photosession i crashed in the bed.. only to sleep at 4 after a 2 hour phone chat.

assignments have been pouring from the first week itself. already had my 1st quiz. expecting the first mid sem in september... n suddenly it doesn seem all that far. yesterday taught a fren hav to cycle. was really fun.. balancing, almost tripping... tryin to remember how i first learnt to ride the cycle. n my really quick learner fren managed to pick it up in an hour... we were drenched in sweat, back at the hostel gate... bumped into the basketball coach. he got us on the ground. i hate playing in slippers, n a tall sturdy female in shoes kept stamping me all the while :(..

we were amongst the last people to finish dinner. walking out of the empty mess... i picked a book only to return to the phone again.

sometimes i contemplate switching it off n dumping it somewhere... but its my only means to reach to so many people...

jus wish i could find some more time for me..

still settling.. pics to come soon..

Bubbles!!

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

@iitk

2010-07-21T13:59:00.002+05:30

m finally here!!!

after a day of sleepy travel i reached IITK around 6 p.m. on 17th. i was travelling with my dad. i was super excited. everything was new(to me). we reached the hostel building after a couple of detours. a friendly girl at the help desk gave me my room keys. (like my first official hostel room :P) we checked up the room n then went to get all the other stuff.

IITk is a self sufficient campus. Its probably made so knowing fully well how miserable the city outside is. I have been here for like 4 days now, n i haven't stepped out of the college gate. The Shopping Complex (aka ShopC) caters to most of your needs from a toothbrush to a bicycle (yeah cycles are aplenty here... u cant think of moving around in the campus without it...)

We returned back to the hotel after dumping stuff in my room. It was round abt 1o.30 when we had the first sensible meal of the day. crashed into bed and voila instant sleep.

next day we reached here around 10... back to shopC again. bought a cycle etc. by the time i came back my roomie had arrived. Dad had a taste of the mess food. spent the whole afternoon with him in partial silence. i had no clue what he was thinking, i din't want to know either. May be cos either of us would break down if those thoughts were put into words. I tried to keep a conversation. Dad wudn let it move beyond yes, no n hmmm..

He had a flight frm lucknow at 8. so at 4, we decided to go for tea. chai in the canteen is pretty decent. ard 4.30 dad decided to take leave. a warm hug outside the hostel sent him in tears. I dont like to think of it, don't like to think of his face like tat. I had never seen him cry before. I dinno what to say, cos i dinno how to interpret his tears. It wasn't cos they were seeking reassurance for something, or were they? maybe a reassurance that i'll be back (something that i cant guarantee)

or did they draw a line to mark the end of an epoch?

The Countdown

2010-07-06T20:18:00.002+05:30

This has been well running for a year now....

My last year home, last month.... now it comes to last 10 days.

one unplanned epoch gives way to another. i prefer life tat way.... unplanned, like getting lost on a long empty road with no destination. (ahh well if u dont knw the joy of gettin lost, u mus try some day, get down at some place n walk of in some random direction, to god knows wher!)

there's this joy of the "something new"that lies ahead...

i dunno where its all gonna end, i dont have a destination, i dont think about it... may be that s y this journey feels so AWESOME!

2010-06-23T13:02:00.000+05:30

i finally took a long break from being bored. Ten days (well almost).
i went to my native place, after like 6 months. it was after years tat i was staying for so long. i never stayed for more than 2-3 days at a stretch since i joined engineering and never spent time at such a leisurely pace. caught up with friends n family. spent lots o time with ma grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.

many things have changed, since my last long break there, but i was still a kid to everyone. i sat alone on the tiny steps in the kitchen, tat would once fit in all three of us(me, ma bro n cousin). the corridor between the hall n kitchen tat once seemed long, now got over in 2 steps. summer vacations in belgaum(my native place) would be most awaited. me, bro n cousin the eternal mates would wait impatiently for 2 months of fun. there wasn much of tv then, no pc so we d spend the whole day jumping around the house n coming up with new games. summer vacations had a tradition of an orchestra (tryin to churn melody of clankering plates n rattling tins, n toy guitars, n everything that could make a sound)and a skit (wher all 3 of us were cast in multiple roles in a play whose length varied on our whims). we d spend like half the vacation preparing for it. we d go cycling, fly kites, make bows n arrows, sneak money from grandpa for limlets...

sometimes the separation is not just in miles, its time as well.

i then went to pune to catch up with couple of ma frens. the first person i met as i stepped in pune soil was buddy. i was overjoyed to witness the pune sunrise. it was nothing spectacular. dark clouds filled up the pune sky, n somewhere beyond pune skyline a pale yellow filled the sky.

we had early morning chat. no there was nothin to fill up on, cos we do tat periodcally, but then jus the delight of sitting infron of each other n chatting! my heart was springing about.

i had breakfast at vaishali, caught up with ma roomie n then spent the whole day shopping.... spent like all the time meeting ppl. but then it was nice. sometimes i wud drift back and forth in the past. that street, that guy, that shop... i dunno when i l go to pune again. half the places i was i dunno if i l step on them again. every walk is a memory, the brain jus a diary of people, places and happenings. it surprises me how we remember the most trivial of things and yet forget streets, events n dates.

there was a night we spent singing out loud, beating the speaker tat blared overhead. jumped to a cheer tat was silenced by some euphoric filter in the ears, counted levels, blurted shit as i struggled to find my feet, laughed a lot.. clutched hands till nails pierced in the palms, and never felt the pain. got it all out (from food to thoughts)... passed out with a phone on my ear, tat was recovered lying on the floor next day. half the night is a memory, the other half a reconstruction from others...

I now know why love is often compared to alcohol-->

it gives you wings

it tests your limits

it gives you memories

you find a new you

find your voice( o sometimes lose it)

you dont give a damn what the world says o thinks

you are blinded (sometimes deaf too)

you never know how and where it hurt till the hangover lasts....

As we loosened the hug he said "its not like its all over right, we ll still be in touch, talking...."

... its not about being in touch, its about how buddy--"the voice" may replace buddy--"the face"

my new found high

2010-05-19T13:15:00.002+05:30

i got my four wheeler license around 3 years back. But i wonder why i kept myself away from the wheel till around 2 months back. I had this road-fright. i always thought that every vehicle on the road was for the sole purpose of me colliding into it. having this cartoonist imagination, i always thought i would go flying out of the window when i hit the brake. so i would avoid using them. The car would inevitably stop when the speed dropped below 20. I hated to change gears. I thought the car would slide out of control if i pressed the clutch. and such were the hurdles that kept me away from the car all these days.

well it began some time after my gate paper. i had nothing much to do at home, so i d call the driver in the afternoons, to practice driving. n then aft many many days, i can now claim that i can finally communicate with my car.

its my new found high-- driving. u sit on the wheel, buckle up, breathe in, jus as u turn on the ignition, and then gear, n vroooommm... u can feel it.. the speed, the joy, the high... n then you are having this wordless conversation. you and your ride. everything else just falls out of sight.

You have miles to go, and she s having jus as much fun as you. thats when it gets best... Your ride becomes a she, she swerves, she rolls, she runs, she laughs!

i usually dont carry music in the car, i love listening to the radio as i drive. and sing along!!

sometimes you have the perfect music, the perfect road...(the perfect evening,the perfect person...!?!?!??) and its pleasure redefined.

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

two states and a UT

2010-05-18T16:27:00.003+05:30

Last week been a long hectic week for me! i had all these interviews queued up n been travelling north-south. It began on 11th, i left fr mum in the afternoon. Me n dad. air travel all through, i guess ul already know my opinions about it. Got a window seat. Average indian still feels enthu abt window seats, immaterial what mode of transport. Air travel is now like any other mode of travel, indianised in every sense, airports have the same ruckus as a train platform, people huddle up around seats on flight to chat up, n manage to play cards across rows. some of them even bend over their neighbours to peep through the window, whiel the usual passengers while their time in magazines, novels o music.Its amusing to note that people travelling in bus, train etc display a much better dressing sense than those flyin by air. A large chunk of people are dressed like they are confused if they going to a disc or carnival. and some have this idea that if u are travelling to o from goa its a must to dress like a hippi n wear hawaiian slippers.

by the end of my 3-4 days out of home, i was purely exhausted of air travel. all i cud think of doin in air was sleep. clouds become a monotony after the initial excitement wears off. well flyin to mum u get this awesome view of the west coast as u travel up it. even from those heights goa looks jus as awesome as it is when u travel on the winding greys. i now realise why people flock to goa n love it soo much!! (besides the booze ofcourse, m talkin abt the true travellers)

i din roam abt in mum much, the only site seeing i did was thru the taxi. something shud be done abt the stench thats uniformly spread thru most of mum (atleast the parts i hv been). remembered buddy times.

on 12th i had this test, early mornin woke up, n then off. spent like the whole day in iitb. loved the campus, but well after the interview the following day, it all feels like a dream. if its your day to fuck up, u can fuck up even on 2+2. i guess that sums how my interviews went.

after the interview in mum on 13th, dad n me raced against traffic n time to be just in time to catch a flight to lucknow. 2 hours, a large family that had pledged to disobey every rule of air travel (which part of "please keep your cells switched of for YOUR OWN SAFETY" do people not understand?) n periodic dozing whiel tryin to scan thru a text book, we reached lucknow. Lucknow airport is no difft from a railway platform, may b a lil less crowd inside the terminal, but well long queues of people come to receive frens n family.

kanpur to lucknow is a 2 hour drive. the plains have long straight roads, so the travel isn all that tiring. our lunch was a packet of chips n coke. we reached iit kanpur in time for the interview, n within no time i was done with my interview n back in the car to lucknow to catch the last flight to delhi. we reached well in time n managed to nibble on a sandwich before boarding. i jus dropped dead on the seat in the plane.

i landed in a glittering delhi at 10.30 it had been a long day. next day morning interview in delhi was over in a zippy. and i had like the whole day left. i switched into jeans after like 2 days, n it was the most comforting feeling. Jeans make u feel at home newher. flung on a tee, caught up wit a fren n off we were shopping. that was the best part of my 4 days. Shopping, hookah, chillers, n awesome music. a day well spent.

next day we were back in goa by lunch time. i enjoyed this flight travel from north to south tho. The changes in topography are glaring, each with its own charm. u fly up the crowded delhi lanes, n then move up over the food plains-- vast stretches of fields. The rivers look beautiful from that height! n then as you move south, it gets greener n greener... n then u see home ground n u feel happy!

o goa i love you so muchhhh

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

diaries-iii

2010-05-07T22:31:00.002+05:30

With the blanket of darkness spread over the sky

As night walks time into valleys of mystic silence

I feel you my love, standing guard

The Last Prince of the Kingdom of Dark

I read your words, in the blinking of stars

your voice with the wind, that swooshes past me

As i stand uncovered at the gates of your fortress

an eternal wait, night after night

contd...

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

the last prince of the kingdom of dark

2010-05-06T23:10:00.002+05:30

after many days i open my treasure drawer today. there was lots of old stuff. i dinno i was still holding so much of stuff, even after i d cleaned my drawer like a year o more ago.

more amazing was i cud still remember most of the things. i have stuff like movie tickets, wrappers. i was totally into buying gifts fr myself. and all tiny tiny memoirs of times like. :)

pages from my tuition book, tags of clothes, wrappers, letters, cards, paper cuttings. i think it was the first time i ever showed them to anyone.

there's nothing worth hiding in them, and i think for anyone else it will just be junk. but i still love holding on to those things. You look at something, and then travel back down memory lane, and drift into the memory-vortex :D

i love getting lost, and when its not always possible to get physically lost , i find solace in these escapades back in time.

its nice when you have someone around with whom you can travel to almost anywhere; to some random isolated church on a hill top, isolated stretches of sea n sand, to being a kid, to your most embarrassing moment, or ride on clouds tat take u far and beyond; and still be grounded, like something's holding you firmly, so you don't waiver, don't cut-off and get lost forever.

thank "you" for everything. m glad i have "you"! :)

Posted via email from pixeljuice's posterous

if tomorrow never comes

2010-05-05T19:35:00.002+05:30

what if today is all that there is!! more like an infinite loop of "today's."

what if today goes on forever and there is no tomorrow.

no u, me --> us... :(

"when we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. I saw this happen today, just as the sun went down.And yet if something goes wrong, there's nothing left. No herons, no distant music, not even the taste of his lips. How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly?" -- Eleven Minutes, Paulo coelho

friends, dreams, twilight n stuff

2010-05-04T09:28:00.004+05:30

last week been totally busy... ma roomie frm pune had come down. so been roaming around for like a week. day one was north goa-- panjim, anjuna.. etc.began with dona paula, then kala academy, panjim church, lunch at aunty maria, my first visit to the flea market. shopped like an idiot, then went to aguada.. click click.

day two went kart racing, then colva, jet ski, then ccd, coffee n craziness...

day 3 was in coll, n then old goa n monte,

day 4 --jus in n ard vasco-- japanese garden, three kings. all awesome times. was like being back in pune! all crazy shit talk, swinging, bitching, laughing, more like rolling on floor. sittin up late nights (nt smtin new). twas funn... got lots of time on the wheel. driving is addictive. u want more n more of it!

day b4 morning, she went back,dropped her to panjim. the bridge was closed, so had to go all the way via ponda! :P

rest of the day was spent wit friends! caught up wit a friend after some 5 long years. end of day we were on river bank... pebbling the water. Aguada side , its like my new favorite place. we started talking of life till now. sitting on the edge, contemplating how far we 've come from our high school claims! i remember distinctly wanting to be a doc all through my school life, engineering was like a blind twist. well but then thats it now... and its somehow pointless thinking about all the old stuff. sometimes life is too short to do all the things u want to do. the choice between right and wrong is half as tough as the choice between two right n two wrong things.

life is a random process f(X), and its impossible to predict it.. Long time back i d written a post about making choices, n then sticking to them. in life there's no turn around, the only direction u can move is infront, there's no turning back! time is memoryless. an unspoken word is lost forever, so are uncommitted acts, abandoned dreams.

there's nothing like dream come true-- only visions become real, dreams are meant to be broken.

@dona paula

Mary-Immaculate Conception church

@flea market, anjuna

making hearts @sinquerim

i am still 17

2010-04-25T18:24:00.007+05:30

i am still 17

and you a nascent dream

like unicorns, n toothfairies

n wishing wells..

you walk past me

ignorant, unaware, free

oblivious tat i am,

with greedy eyes

a longing heart

tat burns me through n through

i could eat u whole

o u could kill me

if u knew

i can dream

dreams that can never be

and live in you,

like nothings changed--nothing will!!

...cos i am still 17

like when we met

and "it" still skips a beat

when i see you

Bengaluru

2010-04-20T11:49:00.005+05:30

An exam took me to Bengaluru (Blore henceforth) over the weekend. i had my first solitary air travel. i love travelling, though i would have preferred travelling by train o bus, but air travel it was. somehow travelling by train o bus, feels more like real travelling. :D i love to see the gradually changing landscapes, as one merges into another, and you move through it. when you see all this from amidst the clouds, it all looks like part of a dollhouse.. n then soon everything is clouded (like literally)

so my Blore trip wasn't much of travel, it was like a quick business trip. a car to pick me up n transport around. though i would have enjoyed the occasional hunting around for a taxi n directions. i reached the guest house at around 4.30. Long roads, nothing picturesque as such, though from the plane i noted a lot of palm plantations, the road showed nothing of it. for some time i tried to see which way the car was heading, note landmarks n stuff, but soon it all felt the same, n i quit trying. my last trip to Blore was like a year o more back, then i was with dad, n we d been to mysore, so i hadn't seen blore as such, not tat i got to see much of it this time.

one of my friends came to meet me at the guest house. we went for an evening walk, exploring the surroundings of where i was to live for the next two days. the closest hang-out sort of place seemed to be a lake. (Ulsoor lake, i had googled it before leaving). There were lots o people out there. it served as a jogging track, picnicking place, fishing spot, couples corner (though there weren't any corners there) i guess you get the general idea! we then walked about in search of a coffee place. a bystander told us that the nearest snacks place would be like 1 n half km, clearly not worth the walk. we walked back to the guest house.

my friend left, one of my dad s colleagues joined me fr dinner. i retired to my room trying to read through the only book i was carrying, but the ambience wasn't in favor of it. the dim lights, the cosy bed, n fluffy blanket put me right to sleep in 15 minutes.

day2: post breakfast, i rush to my exam centre. there was like a flood of people there (like outside any examination centre) n the usual exam tension loosely hung in the air. i usually manage to find some other carefree soul like me to chat up with at such places, this time i had none, so i resorted to listening music on ma pod, n facebooking. well the exam as such there's nothing to right about. it was by isro standards. nothing more said..

after lunch was the most awaited part of ma trip, meeting up wit friends! we caught up at a mall. though i would have preferred some other place, but twas too hot, and anything wit a centralised ac is preferred in such afternoons. i have worn myself of malls in pune, they all are the same. despite of shopping being a part of my "things -to-do-in-blore" list, my shopping expenses hardly went beyond thousand.

afte some coffees, snacks, randomly moving around the whole mall, i came back to the guest house with one of my very few female friends...

the night was the fun part--

bitching with 90210, life lessons whilst spider-man saved MJ, finding your feet as Akshay kumar grooved on screen, night calling, MTV rules, (o was it channel V), banana chips wit Udaya Tv... n the like...

6 is too early to sleep..

next day afternoon i was back home, for a well-awaited spiffer sunday, breaking hearts over milk shakes for a change..

Lost and Found

2010-04-07T12:37:00.004+05:30

how do u feel searching for something believing you lost it, while it was never there in the first place! for the last 2 days i ve been in a miserable state, cos i believed i had lost a vital document.

it all began 2 days ago, on a sweaty summer afternoon, post lunch,as i was lazing on the sofa.
Dad: so have u filled all your forms
Me: in progress, i need to xerox n send documents
Dad: ok, when u gonna do tat
Me: tomorrow.

then i begin collecting my documents. marksheets--> check
birth certificate--> check
score card--> (3--2--1)...... untraceable

the next 3 hours were spent in turning the house upside down, searched like every nook n cranny, every book, even newspapers n dustbin... it just wasnt anywhere. i could tell you the exact place i last saw it, over a week ago, n now it just wasnt there. Mom searching, me searching 3 hours-- nothing!!! by the end of it i was totally demoralised and had lost hope on ever finding it.

post-tea...
dad: any luck?
me: NO. i just cant find it.

then began frantic communication efforts for hopes of getting a duplicate score card. e-mails, phones, texts... twas crazy.

i resigned to my room, trying to study for the upcoming test.

fast forward--> today 11:00a.m
phone rings.
dad: Your score card just got delivered.
me: !!!! (wtf?, hth? n such similar phrases come to my mind, of all these the receiver only conveys a sigh of relief)

i dinno if i should laugh o cry! God-- those were like the most miserable 2 days of my life.

i spent 2 days searching a score card, that wasn't there at home, and panicking i had lost it. i believed i had handled the score card. n aft 3 hours of searching, my mom claimed she had received it from the postman. ahh.. memory! its such a deceptive thing. like 4 hours ago, i could tell you the exact place i had last seen the score card before it got lost. and now that i see the thing personally in my hand, i dunno if i should believe my memory o not!

how much of the things we remember are actually as they are? or are memories simply reconstructions of the things we presume to be.

i can laugh at it all

2010-03-27T15:37:00.003+05:30

i can laugh at it all,
strings, loops, conditions...
the 22 years..
of do's n whiles
if, if only, or if , if not
if then, and if, for if, if else

arrayed<--> disarrayed,
the 22 years..
unformatted, erred,
corrected, cleared
lost-->found-->revived

the attempts,the recoveries
the 22 years..
bad files, corrupt sectors, lost strings
failed reads n writes,
failed saves...

i can laugh at it all
cos it was worth it
the 22 years..
of everything, and not everything
as time raises the curtain
over ME 22.0

Road not Taken

2010-03-27T14:10:00.003+05:30

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

--Robert Frost

picked up frm here!

crazy thoughts in the middle of the night - V

2010-03-26T23:36:00.003+05:30

i have got so used to rambling on fb n twitter, that rambling out here has become very rare!! m in such a foul mood right now! like i can explode on the next person i come across... can feel the mercury in my head rising ... its just upto the rim.

counting works, only til it drops a lil, n then i wonder why m counting so slow.... its like move, move, move... move to something fun, something better, something tat doesn't make me wanna convince u how miserable a soul on planet earth u are!

i was ok a minute ago... a minute n a half ago. 2 minutes ago, n now m all ticked off!! like totally pissed with nothing that's something right now!!!

uggghh!!! n the phone rings

beach walk

2010-03-26T22:10:00.003+05:30

aft a long time.. beach walk in the evening. twas really a long walk! alone though, with ma 2 fav companions, ma ipod n ma cam!

a few clicks of the evening

It's complicated!

2010-03-25T12:26:00.006+05:30

Was thinking of editing my fb profile, the relationships drop down menu provides an option for the confused souls "its complicated"....

Its a phrase we hear all too often these days... it could mean one of many things, of course depending on context. I think those are the most convenient 2 words to cover up a lot of what u don't wanna say straight on the face

Its just another way of saying save me the trouble of explaining it! and anyway why should we. I don't get this whole idea of trying to define scopes and limitations of relationships or for that matter the course of most of the things... or life in general!

You do something if you want to, don't do it if u don't want to, where is there any scope for saying "i should" or "shouldn't" be doing something; and what holds you from doing or not doing something. We all love drawing lines, but wouldn't it be more appropriate that you see the space you require n then draw lines, rather than drawing lines first n trying to fit yourself in them?
Why squeeze yourself, Why let yourself take a specific form, like building dams in a river course... to shape it--it will flow nevertheless, but its still an unnatural path, may be not the path of least resistance!

Its too simple to be simple... its so simple that we don't get it. Because we attempt to simplify what's already simplified. Have u ever had an experience wit Boolean algebra? We had it in second year. There were these problem types on reductions of expressions.. sometimes the simplest form could be derived all too easily, n then unwilling to believe that the solution could be that simple i would spend considerable time on trying to simplify it further! that's the way we handle most simple things that come across us.

We just refuse to believe something is simple... more like believe its a crime to be simple or it's some trend to have things complicated! The real challenge is not in simplifying complicated things, but in keeping simple things the way they are!

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish

2010-03-23T11:38:00.002+05:30

one of my friends gave me this link. its the commencement address at Stanford by Steve Jobs,

excerpts from it

...you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life...

...No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new....

...Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary...