How to come to terms with your past?
It’s a question that probably haunts many of us and we
choose our own ways.
It was a crazy night, last one. We sat talking through it.
Whether there was a real need, m not sure, but then it had to be done. I was
supposed to start, I wasn’t sure how to, I placed a question. And he drifted
ten years back for answers. His journey was detailed, steady, slow. He
remembered the good, the bad. He wept. When we build relationships, and when we
fight for them, for a long time, the roots go deep. I was smiling. May be I wanted
him to feel where those roots are. But he prefers to dump those thoughts away
and move on.
I am smiling. My story is haphazard. There’s no start or
end. I pick up stories from memory and tell him. I am not sad. I can only smile
at the pure joy in those moments. I can only smile at his innocence, and feel
happy for it. That it was a part of my life, once. I can’t remember the fights,
the quibbles. I can remember they happened, I can remember his hurt. I can remember
him fighting, reconciling. I can remember me fighting. I can remember being his
punching bag. I was strong. I wanted to take it all for him. He was a baby, at least
that’s how it began. In the 3 years that followed, we swapped roles many a
time. We fought and we cried. We did it together. We spun a world. It feels
like a lifetime in its own. They transformed me. I am sensitive. I feel pain
now. We wanted to make it through. I am not sure if I really fought him or
fought for him. I am coming to terms with his memories. We are fighting again
only we are fighting each other in our own heads. Why were we together? Cos it felt right…. Why are we apart? The answer is still the
same. (Coz I want you to be happy, coz I want you to have a life.) Did I fight?
Did I give him a chance to fight? Was I fair?
Life’s toughest decisions are morally ambiguous. Am I right?
Is love sacrifice? Should you fight when it’s going to hurt, or leave in time? There
is regret on either side, but what will you choose? The lesser evil, the greater
good? Should you hold yourself guilty? Should you stuff all the memories and
move on? Or should you roll yourself in them, till you accept that they are
only memories now!
“They have someone to blame, we have only ourselves” I said as
the conversation winded. “I am the villain in my story”, he said. “I am in mine
too”. Yes we are villains, villains like from those superhero movies. “We want
to destroy, and then to rebuild. We want to bring order to chaos, a new order.”
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