Many years ago, a male friend quoted, “a girl/woman in a
relationship is somehow more attractive to other guys”. I didn’t really give a thought to it then, it
could have been well merely his opinion. But what with guys liking girls who
are already with someone else (and vice versa) I thought it wasn’t as simple as
that.
At a broader, abstract level, we as social creatures, seek
conformity in our actions, a kind of acceptance. We are more willing to conform
to something that has been already accepted. More than often we conform to
social codes, rules, without questioning them because they already have some
acceptance for them. We tend to believe that anything that has been accepted
should be worth accepting.
The other way of looking at it, and this one’s a personal
favourite, is the Damsel-in-Distress Syndrome. Okay, there’s no such syndrome
really, and I came up with the name, but it fits. So a couple of years ago, I
had this friend who thought a girl was driving him nuts. There was nothing in
common between them, they were two drastically different people, they
interacted at work, they had never bonded in college, but he felt an
overpowering sense of desire to be with her now. He hadn’t really dated before
and he didn’t know what was happening. She didn’t really drop hints, and there
was no reason to believe that she was really interested in him. The only thing
different now was she was walking out of a break up. That is the crux of the
matter. Guys tend to perceive themselves as saviours. Every guy wants to be a
hero. He wants to be Mario and save the princess (and hope for an happily ever
after…) More often than not, they fall for the damsel in distress.
With the opposite gender it’s more like the Wounded-prince
syndrome. You stumble across a wounded prince, and you have to heal him. Most
girls have an obsession to play mother. They want to smother you and protect
you in their own motherly way.
Someone in a troubled
relationship, a hard childhood, tough living circumstances, ahh we love to go
“awww” over people and drown them in it. We love to over-empathise and draw
meanings into it. She needs me, he needs me. Look such a poor soul, I need to be
there, I need to help him/her out. We
are constantly searching a meaning for our existence in others. We need it, the
constant reassurance by someone that we are needed, to boost our own sense of
self. A distressed individual draws love and attention. But this is empathetic
rather than romantic love, a love that draws from a more brotherly, motherly
source.
So here’s the word of caution. If you feel you are drawn to
an individual in distress, and your hormones are clamouring violins in your
ears, take a step back. Look at the person without the source of distress. Do
you still feel the same? Had you not met in those circumstances (where you are
the saviour) would you still feel the sense of fulfilment that said person now
brings to you? If you feel joy, is it the joy of being with someone, or is it the
joy of being there for someone? Do you perceive your presence as an asset to
said person’s life? Do you feel the need to protect, preserve?
If you have answered most of the questions affirmatively,
then you, my friend, are suffering from the Damsel-in-distress syndrome. When
the source of distress is removed, you will start seeking things to fulfill your
sense of self. You will keep searching for distress, so you can always be the
saviour. It can only be a recipe for disaster.
Pull back, relax, and keep apart for some time. Trust me; no
one wants to play Agony Aunt all their life.
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