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"Who is your supervisor?"

A couple of us at IIT Kanpur, have an informal "Animal Welfare Group" where we cater to welfare issues pertaining to animals on campus. Considerable efforts are driven towards providing medical aid to ailing animals. The easiest way to get them medication is to mix it with food.

On one such day, while we were getting medical aid to a dog, a well-dressed lady witnessing the scene, began a conversation,
Lady: Why are you feeding the dog here?
Me: I am trying to get him some medication.
Lady: (Obviously ignoring what I said) You are not allowed to feed the dogs in the hostel.
Me: (Not wanting to prolong the conversation) I am only trying to get him some medication.
Lady: Why don't you do it outside? (pointing at the road).
Me: (repeating again) I am trying to give him some medication. My friends are coming and we are taking him to a vet in the cage. It will be difficult to do this outside.
Lady: What is wrong with him?
Me: I don't know for sure, and so I am taking him to a vet.
Lady: How do you know he is not well?
Me: I know him for 4 years, he behaves different then I know something is not quite right.
Lady: 4 years, Are you a PhD Student?
Me: Yes
Lady: which department?
Me: Electrical
Lady: Who is your supervisor?
Me: Is that relevant to this conversation.
Lady: (blushes and leaves)

This post isn't about animal welfare, this is about the lady's last question, "Who is your supervisor?".
In an everyday academic setting, one wouldn't bat at an eyelid at it, this question would be small talk even. But in a non academic encounter, like the one cited above, it does stand out.
Many in academia will know this is often a subtle initiation of a threat.
I am glad to have a supervisor who is very supportive of having one's own personal space beyond academics in a fully residential campus. A personal space wherein you can freely choose what issues you want to or do not want to speak about, a space that demarcates clearly what part of my life I share and do not share with my supervisor, a space from which I can clearly keep him out.

But for many individuals pursuing their PhD, this is often not the case. Some supervisors would tell you upfront, to not get into relationships, actively discouraging any such endeavor by keeping you overloaded leaving not enough personal time. Some would ask you to not be part of administrative bodies in the institute, to give up sports, or not to speak up for things that matter to you, and just "focus on your work". It's almost like those parents who tell their daughters, "ye sab tum shadi ke bad karna".

Then there are the threats.
When a research scholar has a confrontation or even a non-friendly interaction with anyone who is not another student, the question "who is your supervisor" often crops up. And if you bite the bait and answer it, in many cases you would be sure to experience a mounting pressure from your supervisor asking you to back off from whatever it was you got yourself into. (Unless your supervisor doesn't like the other guy and he could probably use you as a ruse to settle some scores).

And there will be many who quietly succumb to the pressure, citing "everyone's like that", or trading their personal space for a supposedly assured post doc position or a job offer on graduation carefully worked out for them by their supervisor. (Academic nepotism is a thing, yes).

The overall result of this status quo, is that pursuing a PhD often means putting personal life on hold for the entire duration of your PhD (often 5-8 years). One can't help but wonder, how such a skewed lifestyle would take a toll on the individual? Does herein lie the genesis of an embittered academic?

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