2014 -- The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

It’s been a really long year, and we have just started with 2015 and I guess it’s still not too late to jump into a retrospective post about the year.

This year has been crazy at many levels. It all started with a bang, an eventful bang that changed a lot of things for me. It started with a lot of hopes. Like for the first time I had almost half the year planned out in excruciating detail. I should have known better, for like most things planned so carefully it didn't work out that way. I now have a list of resolutions that I never got to strike out (maybe I could carry them forward J ). 

To begin with, I lost someone really close to me. And despite of all my claims of having mastered the art of losing, I realised I was a novice again. I had thought years of experience of getting close and letting go of people might have now made me more adept at handling such delicate matters, but as I learnt, it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it’s the first time or the n^th time, it’s the same. When you are pushed back to square one, you have no alternative but to start afresh. I always thought growing up toughens you in some way, turns out lessons in empathising only make the pain dearer. 

So, there I was, in my new year, grappling and struggling, trying hard as I could to not let life undo everything. It was a hell of a time. But looking back at it now, I learnt a lot many things I would have probably never gotten to.

Over the days, I got closer to mom again. My mom was my best companion in the lonely hours in the hostel and campus. Our calls got more frequent and longer. We started sharing more of our days, something we hadn’t done since I was in school. In one of my weakest moments, I called her for a week to spend with me, and I had one of the best times of my life.

I learnt to acknowledge hurt, pain; to people I never thought I would open up to. I learnt to relish the small conversations that would normalise life, having tea together, a short walk, breakfast, chatting at night.

I learnt that I could rebuild myself a thousand times as long as I wanted to. I learnt to fill hollows with sounds the source of which didn’t matter. It was a tough call, teaching myself to enjoy my own company, to not feel awkward in the solitude, and put aside the risk of turning into some sort of a loner.

I got back to my travel plans, and this time they were made without other people in mind. It was liberating to dissociate myself from group identities. I planned a gazillion symbolic let-go’s which never worked and I just found myself drowning all the more. And then all it took was one tug and I snapped out of it like ‘twas all a nightmare. Amidst it all I made a bungee trip (insert link) to Rishikesh, which remained the highlight of the first half of my year. It was an awesome girl trip with an even awesome companion. I got to meet a lot of wonderful people, and cradled in the mountains. It was just the refresher I needed, and I lived in that high for some time after I returned.

I spent 15 days in Bangalore for a workshop. I met an incredibly captivating man at the workshop. I had stopped believing that such men did exist. I had long heart to heart talks with the long distance members of the girl gang not to forget all the shopping and food.

Then the most incredible trip of my life happened, in Spiti (The travelogue that I am still working on). Spiti brought me several unexpected surprises, besides rekindling my love for unplanned adventures, it boosted my spirits, and I wouldn't be wrong in saying I found my zen in the Himalayas. I met some awesome people in Spiti, with an unbridled love for travel. 

Once back, I got to know someone who put my faith back in me, who made me fall in love with myself again, and helped me fight back my fears. For the first time, I met someone who didn’t treat me like I was a bomb with a timer ticking.

I finished my comprehensive exam in October. And then… I travelled.
It all started with a family trip to Agra-Gwalior and then Delhi. Then I went to Ahmedabad for like a week, and it turned out to be much awesome than I expected (Yes also working on that travelogue). 2014 took me back to Kolkata and Kharagpur. Then there was the trip to my favourite place, home. We had a reunion with some old friends from Kanpur, and for two days, it felt like time hadn’t passed at all. And everything was just the same. Then there was the jaunt to Matheran with my all-time favourite partner in mischief and before I knew it I was back, a full circle, to the Mustard fields, the bumpy rides, the foggy days, winters… Kanpur.

I spent the New years’ eve with a small bunch of friends, we danced and we hugged and we wished goodnight over the first tea (which was miserable for the record, but chai to bahana hai) in the New Year.

I couldn’t be more grateful to the year. I have fought so many things outside and inside in the last year, that I can only feel more strengthened.
2014 would be my year of liberation. 

The year of my big bang, my universe is now expanding.