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Order to chaos

How to come to terms with your past?

It’s a question that probably haunts many of us and we choose our own ways.

It was a crazy night, last one. We sat talking through it. Whether there was a real need, m not sure, but then it had to be done. I was supposed to start, I wasn’t sure how to, I placed a question. And he drifted ten years back for answers. His journey was detailed, steady, slow. He remembered the good, the bad. He wept. When we build relationships, and when we fight for them, for a long time, the roots go deep. I was smiling. May be I wanted him to feel where those roots are. But he prefers to dump those thoughts away and move on.

I am smiling. My story is haphazard. There’s no start or end. I pick up stories from memory and tell him. I am not sad. I can only smile at the pure joy in those moments. I can only smile at his innocence, and feel happy for it. That it was a part of my life, once. I can’t remember the fights, the quibbles. I can remember they happened, I can remember his hurt. I can remember him fighting, reconciling. I can remember me fighting. I can remember being his punching bag. I was strong. I wanted to take it all for him. He was a baby, at least that’s how it began. In the 3 years that followed, we swapped roles many a time. We fought and we cried. We did it together. We spun a world. It feels like a lifetime in its own. They transformed me. I am sensitive. I feel pain now. We wanted to make it through. I am not sure if I really fought him or fought for him. I am coming to terms with his memories. We are fighting again only we are fighting each other in our own heads.  Why were we together? Cos it felt right….  Why are we apart? The answer is still the same. (Coz I want you to be happy, coz I want you to have a life.) Did I fight? Did I give him a chance to fight? Was I fair?

Life’s toughest decisions are morally ambiguous. Am I right? Is love sacrifice? Should you fight when it’s going to hurt, or leave in time? There is regret on either side, but what will you choose? The lesser evil, the greater good? Should you hold yourself guilty? Should you stuff all the memories and move on? Or should you roll yourself in them, till you accept that they are only memories now!


“They have someone to blame, we have only ourselves” I said as the conversation winded. “I am the villain in my story”, he said. “I am in mine too”. Yes we are villains, villains like from those superhero movies. “We want to destroy, and then to rebuild. We want to bring order to chaos, a new order.”

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